Okay, so my blog started out kind of dark and well, let's just say I wasn't really in a great place (yeah, I thought you probably figured that out already). So anyway, I mentioned a certain group before that I had starting going to and it has turned out to be the best thing for me. These are the sweetest, most amazing women I have ever met. And those "friends" I mentioned before - turns out they really do exist. I guess I was looking in the wrong places before. (Hi J., E., M., H., etc.)
I wish I had a long heart-warming post to share, but I don't. I'm just busy living life and trying to survive. I look at the calendar and cannot believe that it is already May 10. I thought this year would be slower and I think that it has, in fact, sped up. I would probably forget my head if it wasn't attached so well.
Along with the 1,672 birthday parties I have to remember right now, we are in graduation season which brings me to my daughter's KINDERGARTEN graduation. It's kind of bittersweet. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to cry or not at the ceremony. I cannot believe that she is almost six already and to think that she is already well on her way to her elementary years in school is kind of amazing overwhelming.
I'll leave you with this - Try your very best to cherish every day. Don't sweat the small stuff because it can turn into big stuff if you let it. Stupid people aren't worth your time and shouldn't worry you or consume your life. Do the best you can and you'll be doing plenty - people can't fault you if you're trying. A smile really is the best accessory you can wear (but please wear clothes too).
I'm having problems. I know what you're thinking - what's new, right? I have a friend that is so good about hugging people when she sees them, making sure to let people know that she truly sees them and cares. I want to be more like that, but I feel so odd doing it. No, M, I don't think you are odd for doing it - I just feel odd. I guess it's because it's out of my comfort zone. Now, granted, I hug my family and the people I go to church with when I see them, but those are people I know well. I'm talking about walking up to people you barely know or strangers even and hugging them because you are glad to see them, because you know they need a hug, etc. How do you move your comfort zone? How do you make yourself okay with doing this (and things like it)? Do you practice, practice, practice until you are more comfortable? Do you just have to have that natural talent? Do you have to exude confidence in yourself to make it okay? I don't know. When I feel like someone needs a hug for whatever reason, I generally stand there awkwardly and then walk away. haha
How exactly do I get to the point that I can show my care without feeling like an odd duck? I'm seriously asking this question.
Do you ever feel like you're drowning in life? I don't feel like there are enough hours in the day to accomplish all I need to accomplish. I don't feel like I have time to get all the dishes done, the laundry washed, dinner made, etc., etc., etc., and still have sufficient time for my children....or even myself for that matter. I get so overwhelmed. I find myself giving up on everything because the pile of things to do is so high that I don't even know where to begin. I want to make a better household for my family and I feel like I'm a salmon trying to fight the current. Sometimes (maybe most of the time), though, I barely have the strength to jump out of the water to gain that extra foot or so. Where to begin?!?! I've started attending (twice, so far) a mom's group and I find it to be very encouraging, but I also find that it depresses me to an extent. However, let me make a quick note here that I struggle with depression (and have for many years) and when I am at my highest is when I drop so drastically and mind-blowingly to my lowest. I say that because I don't want anyone in the group to feel that it is their fault that it somewhat depresses me. Now, as I was saying, it somewhat depresses me but only mostly because I see a place that I want to be and I don't know which path is the right path to lead me to that place. I want a stronger family bond in my house, but I don't know how to get my husband on board. I want things to be calmer and happier. I want to feel good in my house. Don't get me wrong, there is no place like home and for the most part I like to be there, but there is just something missing. I need to work at this point in our lives, but I have a very strong desire to be home. I don't necessarily need to be home every day, but more than I am now. I need to feel like I have some kind of control over my life. Right now I get up early, I ready both children, leave the house, drop one at school, drop one at babysitter, go to work for 6 hours, pick up children, go home, make dinner, try to wash at least one load of laundry/dishes, try to relax, try to sleep, start all over. I know this is pretty much the normal life of a mom, but where in there do I get to make headway? I am so busy just trying to keep marking things off my list that I have no time whatsoever for anything new that gets added to the end of the list. I feel like I'm sinking - not a good feeling. Maybe I just can't see the forest for all the trees, but I can't see the forest for all the trees. Sigh!
I think a little crazy may run in my family, but I find more and more that my crazy really just comes from within. I make myself crazy. I tend to linger entirely too long on the things that bug me causing them to take complete control of my mind. Yes, I know...not really a good thing. I am getting better at blocking these thoughts and therefore avoiding the cry-fest that usually comes along with it. I said better, though, not healed. I can still go from super-happy to super-sad faster than a Lamborghini can hit 60. No, in case you were wondering, I'm not bragging and it doesn't make me happy. I wish I could change it completely. I wish I could be more like my sister who, although she may get upset from time to time, wouldn't know depression if it slapped her in the face. She's never had to deal with it. Or my brother, who reminds me of a duck. Things just roll off his back like he's covered in a layer of oily feathers. He gets upset from time to time too, but then somehow instead of dwelling he just lets it go. I wish I could be one of those people that finds the bright side to the darkest hole. I'm not. I don't know that I ever will be. But, I am trying to ignore the sources of the drama and for now I suppose that's the only choice I have. Maybe someday I'll find one of those aforementioned true-blue friends, become all touchy-feely about my feelings and find that all is right with the world. Who knows?
Later, dudes
Well, there isn't really all that much to update, but it's been a while since I posted so I figured I was due for some kind of input. I am beginning to realize as I slide wildly down the hill towards THIRTY that I should probably have a better outlook on life. I mean, thirty years is quite a long time and I am still alive so YAY! for me. Everyday is a brand new day and I am trying to learn to meet it with a smile on my face. I haven't really been depressed this winter (yet) and for me, well....that's just pretty awesome! I threatened to buy one of those sunlight lights last year because I became so melancholy during the winter that I thought I'd never make it. But, Hallelujah - I did make it and this year hasn't really even been a struggle. This is a strong indicator that miracles do still exist.
Whelp, until next time, I guess.
Later, dudes
Seriously, am I the only person in this world that feels like they are playing a role in someone else's life more than their own? I'm hoping that you're saying no because it is kind of sad and pathetic. This is, however, how I feel 90% of the time. Oh, don't pity me. I'll make it...I think. I just hate the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I feel when I look around and think "where am I?" "how did I get here?" Seriously, I'm almost THIRTY, I should have a steady track to run my train on and yet I'm still uncertain about what I want out of life. I did the marriage thing...it's kind of depressing, really. I have two kids that I adore, but they drive me insane. Most of the time (at least, lately) I feel inclined to assume the fetal position and murmer incoherently.
Really, I envy old cowboys....like to the point of wanting to be one. Yes, they have to work hard, but hard work never killed anyone - that I know of. But here's why I envy and admire old cowboys so much: 1)they know how to keep their thoughts to themselves and no one expects them to have deep conversations, 2)they have their lives figured out, 3)they generally have a nice truck because they worked hard to get it, 4)they get to get up every morning and put on jeans, boots and a cowboy hat, 5)they don't care what people think about them, 6)they are respected, and most importantly 7)they usually have a loyal sidekick dog.
Later, dudes.
I think I'll start off talking about friends. You know, those people that you have in your life. The people that you call when you need someone to talk to or hang out with. Yeah, I know what you're thinking....I don't think they exist either. Seriously, once you get married and have kids, who has time for friends anyway? It's a pretty cruel scenario - once you get to the age that you actually need friends, you don't have time for them. I mean, really, between working, picking up the kids, cooking dinner, cleaning house, bath time, etc., etc., who has time to even think let alone have friend time?!?!
Of course, if you're like me, then you know that those people that you do call friends aren't really "friends" anyway. I have many acquaintances and I'm not opposed to sitting in a room watching a movie or eating dinner with any of them. However, if my house was on fire, I wouldn't call them to cry about it. We're just not like that. When I do on occasion open up to any of these people, I end up regretting it for at least the next five years. They forget the conversation ten minutes after it happened and I replay it word for word in my head for the rest of my life. Yeah, it's pathetic. Who are you to judge?
Have you ever had those "friends" that you regret - like forever? I can't stand the people in my life that try to push me down to make themselves better saying stupid stuff like "look at the movie she's watching, she must be really bored." That's dumb. Who cares what movie I'm watching, but me? My favorite though is that "friend" that has every (and I mean EVERY) excuse in the book. I am thoroughly convinced that she has an "excuse sheet" that she uses for getting out of everything. "What? You want me to come over for dinner? Hang on a sec, I can't beeeecccaaauuuusseee...I have to tie my shoe. Sorry." Makes you want to reach through the phone and slap her. Then slap yourself for trying....again. A flat out "no, thanks" is quite sufficient. Don't waste your time...or mine.
I suppose people are capable of having true blue friends that they turn to for everything. If you do then good for you. My husband says I don't have friends because I'm too hard on people. Maybe this is true. I'm just not really a touchy feely kind of person. I don't really like to share my feelings, but sometimes I need to...and then I regret it forever. I'm not really comfortable around most people and I find it works well enough to just stay in the shadows (figuratively speaking).
Enough about this for now. I'm going to start another post about something different.
Later, dudes.
